When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
