my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
