Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
