I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
