I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
