I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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