I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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