This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
