i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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