Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
