you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize