I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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