Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
