Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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