I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize