think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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