i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
