I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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