Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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