If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
