Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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