and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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