I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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