she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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