my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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