I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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