Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
