come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
