Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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