So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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