Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
