I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
