i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
