If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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