Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
