the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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