pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
