Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
