I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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