I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
