Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
