Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
