Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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