I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
