Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
