I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
