Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He has the fingertips of a God
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