hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize