Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
