I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
