trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
