i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
