The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
