bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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