those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Randomize
