The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
