he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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