all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
