dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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