Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
